A True Story:
“Constipation across the Nation”
I hadn’t had a decent crap in several days. Just hard little Onsie Twosies, and I had been wondering if I needed to actually consider some Metamucil or something to help me have a bowel movement. Typically going to the bathroom was easy for me… I was puzzled by this irregularity and knew I needed to do something about this.
I went to our local Walmart to check out my options. Feeling a little bit like an old man, I stroll through the laxative Isle to check out my choices. I don’t know why I did this but I purchased Dulcolax suppositories, since they advertised a bowel movement in 15 to 45 min. Sounded pretty good to me so I bought em.
I could hardly wait to cleanse my system. Since it was getting later into the evening I made the genius decision to get the ball rolling right away, so I got to my car, broke out the instructions, and inserted one into my rectum right there in the Walmart Parking lot, and then began my drive home. I figured I could be home in about 20 min at the most so I would be ready to enjoy a relaxing poop upon arrival.
I drive all the way home and nothing… not even so much as a tingle. To make things more complicated there was wetness in my underwear that made me think that the suppository may have slid out on the ride home and I may not realize the full effects of the laxative. I still wait it out for the whole hour because I thought maybe it was just having a delayed effect on me? But an hour goes by and still nothing!! I decide that it must have came out because my underwear was clearly wet and it seriously didn’t seem to be doing anything at all, so….. I went ahead and stuck another suppository up there. This time I got my whole hand up in the sphincter to ensure this thing wouldn’t be sliding out anytime soon. It was tough and seemed like no matter what I did or how hard I pushed, I could only get it to go in maybe 1/2 inch. But I felt like mission suppository was accomplished and now I just had to wait it out again. So I waited like 5 minutes after inserting it and decided to get a shower. It was getting late and well I just needed to relax. While in the shower I felt a little pressure building up down below, but nothing like I had thought it would be. A few minutes later I am lathering up my hair and all seems well , Until….. suddenly it felt like my guts were turning inside OUT! There was this Grumble that almost seemed un-Earthly followed by this Urgent need for me to bare down…. I had shampoo in my hair and was viciously trying to rinse it as I was up on 1 leg like a Flamingo trying to hold back Mount Saint Helen. I’m Dancing around like an idiot in the shower trying to get finished. I had to Poop like I’ve never felt before and I’m holding my breath while sucking in my stomach to prevent a Sh&$ Shower… Then my stomach gave one last Growl and I was no longer able to hold anything back! I dove out of the shower to the toilet like a seal sloshing around on shore… shampoo dripping down my face soaking wet and with barely one cheek touching the seat and this huge fart/squirt/volcano eruption occurred! What happened next is unclear as I had slipped into an alternate reality….. the pressure was so intense and It went on for what seemed like an eternity!! squeezing ever so slightly would cause a jet stream of chocolate mousse as my cheeks flapped together like a Tractor Trailer with a tire blown out barreling down the highway… I was gasping for air in between pushing, reaching to the sky with clenched fists, and knees shaking like a leaf as my entire insides came out.
When it began to calm just slightly there was hot air wafting up from the bowl which I assumed was the stench from the BM, I mean I couldn’t smell it or anything as my sinuses were filled with snot and my eyes with tears… I fully believed that if I were to look into that toilet I’d be staring at the Antichrist himself…. But it was worse. The bowl, seat, seat back, and walls were covered in fecal matter. The warmth that I thought was wafting up from the toilet was liquid shit that had splashed up all over my Hiney and was now dripping down my legs. There aren’t any words that can explain how my sphincter felt after such an eruption, but I guess it was kind of like a burning sensation so hot that it felt cold. I cleaned up the best I could, limped to the bedroom, and collapsed on the bed…. but it wasn’t over. This continued throughout the evening and into early morning. At 4:41am I could honestly say it was over. And after a complete scrub down of myself, the toilet, and the entire upstairs bathroom I felt almost human again.
The lesson here folks is that you should let medication work before taking more. And if you want to have regular bowel movements simply eat more fiber.
The Everyday Man Poop 