A story about the silent but deadly disease – Proctalgia Fugax
Let me start by saying that I’m the most unlucky individual on the face of the planet. The most odd occurrences happen to me on a daily basis, wether its getting every single red light, restaurants getting my food orders wrong, or contracting a rare disease that was thought to be eradicated from the earth… if something unusual happens, it’s happening to me! … I was once run over by an elderly person in an electric scooter! So yeah, not a very luck prone person here! Misfortune is just my life.
But what happened to me on June 14th 2006, took these rare happenings to a whole new level…. Because what happened to me, was Proctalgia Fugax. Something I had never heard of before because it’s rare, unusual, and horrible.
What is Proctalgia Fugax you ask? Allow me to paint you a picture… Imagine a strange & highly rare condition in the medical world affecting 1 in 150 Million people, where your Taint muscle goes into a massive Spasm causing the person to have sharp stabbing pains and electric pulses going up into the walls of the anus. These electric shock type spasms can be perpetuated by straining to go to the bathroom but may occur at anytime at all even when you’re not trying to go…. Oh, there are no warning signs that they’re coming. The Fugax spasms can last from 30 seconds to 30 minutes or longer, and medical experts have no idea what causes it, nor is there any cure. The pain involved is agonizing & horrific! Fugax pain is literally compared to child birthing and it feels like the equivalent of being Tazed with a 12,000 volt stun gun directly into your asshole… over and over and over again. When it hits, this thing will jump you right up out of your seat, & you’ll be Hanging from the ceiling like some scene out of the exorcist, while clutching your Arse in complete agony. A charlie horse in your butt hole is how it’s been described by medical professionals. A study by Science Direct Described Fugax as follows; “The pain of proctalgia fugax is sharp or gripping and severe. Similar to other urogenital focal pain syndromes”, their studies went on to explain that “Proctalgia fugax is sharp, stabbing pain in the rectum area with no apparent cause. It often lasts for a few seconds but can last for up to 30 minutes.” And also that a person will experience pain in “levator ani muscle” adjacent to the internal sphincter “due to spasmodic contractions.” These spasms happen in waves…just like child birth, except unlike childbirth…nobody cares….
I had my first Fugax attack at home, and it was like nothing I’d ever felt before. When the Fugax struck it was startling & highly concerning, but not nearly as intense as they would eventually become. I’m sitting in my recliner chair when the shock hit me sending a sharp and stabbing pain right up my hole. A lightning bolt shot right up my spine as my whole body tensed up. After the stabbing and shocking pain I could feel the cramping up inside my anus and all of the muscles in my body tightened up, cheeks pinched tightly together, holding my breath , with my back arched, & my legs straight out and stiff as a board! I’m clutching my butt, but you can’t grab at the sphincter muscle, so instead you flex those butt cheeks so tight like it’s your first day in county jail….This pain held on strong and steady for 30 seconds straight, which felt like an eternity. The attacks would let up for a few seconds to a few minutes and then come on again. This nightmarish cycle lasted a good 45 minutes, and when it was over I was exhausted. About 2 days later I had another episode which was a bit more intense and caused every muscle in my body to flex so tightly that I was sore for 3 days following the attack. It seemed like the attacks would start when I was trying to have a bowel movement, and I started thinking it was from pushing too hard… That idea seemed to make sense to me so I just decided to hold my poop as long as I could so I didn’t have to try hard. Since these attacks came with such intense pain and unpredictability, I was in a constant state of fear that I might have another attack. However, what I was feeling early on paled in comparison to what was coming… but it was certainly strong enough for me to google everything I could to find a cure. Searching the internet for stabbing butt pain was tough I’m not gonna lie… I saw everything from hemorrhoids to cancer and it was then that I realized I would need to seek medical help. I couldn’t live in fear anymore.
Have you ever scheduled a doctors appointment for butthole pains? It’s a real treat…. So I call my doctor and they put me through to a receptionist for scheduling. I tell this nurse that it’s urgent that I get in to see the doctor as soon as possible – and of course they want to know why… I start hinting around at pains in a private area but the scheduler wants specifics. So finally this receptionist says firmly … “what’s your actual reason for the visit sir?”
I’m stuttering now and said; “Well, uh uh it’s not really that bad…b’but I was having some some pains in my my backside” – and she’s not letting me off the hook without the details… Noe Sounding frustrated the receptionist says “I NEED you to be specific about the pain or I can’t help you”. So I whimper in the most defeated voice; “ma’am it’s kinda sharp & stabby type pains that come out of nowhere”. A long pause and I hear typing. She then speaks softer and much more patiently (now that she knows it’s weird), and she asks kindly and gently “Where on your backside is this pain?” – I was embarrassed, but I wanted this fixed, so I cleared my throat and in an uneasy voice I whispered “It’s umm, it’s right in the rectum umm rectum hole…”. The nurse responds, “sir, I can’t hear you, can uou please repeat that?” – so I barked “It’s in the butthole, okay! Right in the anus! That specific enough for you?” A long pause before the woman annoyingly says “We’re booked for the next 3 months and I’m scheduling into June right now, but if the pain is that severe you can go to the emergency room”. My heart sank and Im sitting there thinking – Hell no I’m not going to the Emergency room with this!! I cannot explain this situation with yet another receptionist… I shouldn’t have gotten rude about it, and now this power hungry scheduler was going to hold me hostage with butt pains until the doctor could see me 3 MONTHS from now!???! so I booked the appointment and Prayed that I wouldn’t have more attacks in the meantime.
The attacks did not stop. Because the anus charlie horses were so unpredictable, i lived every moment in fear that an attack would come on at the worst time and there would be no way to hide it! It’s all I thought about… I hadn’t pooped for days because I didn’t want to strain and trigger another episode. The peculiar thing about my disorder was that as soon as the attack was over, I would feel almost completely normal again. One Second I’m sitting at work and things are fine, and the next I’m in agonizing pain stiffed out in an awkward Yoga-Like pose with tears rolling down my cheeks, begging the Lord for the Hell to be over.
I’ll never forget the day of my worst attack. It was a Wednesday afternoon at work and I felt as if I needed to go to the bathroom, and it was going to be the sit down type. I’m not someone who likes to take a number two at work, but I had been meeting with some clients throughout the day and had consumed a lot of coffee which triggered the lower belly growling and I knew it wasn’t going to give me any choice on where I was unloading. I work in a large office complex with about 60 employees who are constantly buzzing around the halls, but I wanted to poop somewhere where I wouldn’t be disturbed… so I went down 2 floors and walked all the way to a small bathroom in a remote part of the building. I sat down on the toilet and I could still feel the urge to go, but nothing was happening. I had tried not to strain since the anal pains began since I subconsciously thought I might trigger an attack, but in this case it felt like something was needing a little push to come out… so I moved into a position where I could bear down, took a deep breath in, held my breath, and gave a modest squeeze – And in a fraction of a millisecond, it hit me like I was on an electric chair! My nerve endings sent the pain signal to my brain, and I sucked everything back in, squeezed my butt cheeks together as tight as I could, my muscular reflexes snapped out sending my body 3 feet off the toilet seat into the air like a fish flopping out of water, and I left out a small cry of agony… “Oww eee” It felt like someone had stuck a Samurai Sword directly up my Ass! The pain was so intense that every muscle in my body was flexed as hard as a rock, my teeth were clenched tightly, Tears streaming down my face, I’m holding my breath so I don’t scream, and I’m gripping the handicap bar next to me so tightly that my hand is starting to turn blue. Suddenly I begin to hear all of these people outside of the bathroom!?!? Unbeknownst to me there were executives from our company using this part of the office complex for client meetings and they had just got back from lunch… which means they would need to use this bathroom!!!!! I’m biting my shirt collar groaning as I feel my anus muscles spasm out of control and I’m almost about to pass out from pain when I hear the door handle jiggle! “Hello, I’m in heeere” I nervously squak… I hear a young lady say “Oh okay, But this is the ladies room sir” . . .
Chills went right through my body and all of the oxygen left my brain – Had i seriously used the wrong bathroom!??? Oh…My….God….I had not even paid attention to this as I was certain that these were all family type restrooms for both sexes. I’m trying to stand up to respond and I reach for the sink to turn on the water for distraction, and I blurt out – “Oh Yes, I was just washing my hands… I’ll be out in a second” …. But that wasn’t true!!! I am having Pulsating Anal pains and dying right there on this porcelain gravesite… how the heck was I coming out in a couple seconds? I realized how much of an idiot I was, and I had just hoped the girl would go away so I could finish dying alone…. Just then I hear another voice and the handle jiggles again! Another woman says quietly to the first woman who is outside the door waiting… “Is someone in there?” The other girl whispers (but loud enough for me to hear) “Yep… and it’s a guy!” I hear an annoyed sigh and the second woman speaking loudly into the door “Sir there is a men’s room just a few doors down you know.”
I am utterly and completely mortified, but thinking fast on how I can get out of this one. I pull up my pants with every bit of strength left in me, splash water on my face & hair since I was already soaked in sweat, I yank several paper towels from the dispenser and wet them into a ball holding it over my eye to make it appear that I was dealing with an eyewash emergency and couldn’t see which bathroom I was going into. Genius!! Numb from the waist down, I limp to the door and open it to see an audience of, not just 2, but 3 women executives waiting in line to use this bathroom! They all gasp from the sight of me with a twisted grimace on my face, wet messed up hair, wrinkled up shirt, and a wet paper towel clump held to my face which is dripping all over my clothes… these ladies are clearly uncomfortable backing up from me in disgust when one of them says “Oh my God what happened?” the other reaching out her hand saying “Are you okay? Do you need help?”. I push through the three of them and with all the strength in my entire being I mutter “I’ll be okay, I just got something in my eye.” I turn around looking like a 103 yr old man with Scoliosis and a stick directly in my Ass, Limping one step at a time down the hall, feeling all of their eyes following me as I walk to the men’s room to finish my Horrific death.
After the embarrassing episode my agony went on for at least a full 45 minutes, I thought it would never subside. When the pains finally let up, I went to the mirror and looked at myself – what a disaster I was… It looked like I had been tied up and drug behind a horse for 10 miles…. I was soaked, eyes bloodshot, clothing torn & tattered, out of breath, and completely exhausted. I attempted to get myself together and decided there was no way I could poop at this point. I knew this was going to be a serious medical situation, so I left work for the day to go to the Emergency room. Upon arrival to the ER I Explained the whole story again but this time in desperation and without any shame. After hours of testing and collaboration with doctors & specialists they let me know that what I was experiencing was a rare condition called Proctalgia Fugax. The Doctor explained that I may have this for the rest of my life, or I may never have another attack again. The reason for Fugax attacks is completely unknown and it’s the kind of diagnosis that is given when everything else has been ruled out. My poindexter lookin Doctor made some weak joke saying; “Maybe you were abducted by aliens and they put a probe up there” – I fake laughed, paid them a couple thousand dollars for the battery of tests that came up negative and left the hospital to live my days in horror awaiting the next spasm. There was a silver lining to all of this, a lesson learned. I had learned that you should NOT strain to poop under any circumstances!! Putting strain on the Sphincter muscle is like Fugax Russian Roulette…
For more information on Proctalgia Fugax please go to :
http://www.physio-pedia.com/Proctalgia_Fugax
The Everyday Man Poop 