H.E.L.P

High Emergency Level Poop

Note: This is a True Story (You cannot make things like this up…)

So today I crapped my pants in Walmart… I should’ve known that the last few days bombarding myself with Fiber and laxatives could bring on an “High Emergency Level Poop“ or HELP for Short. But no worries, you have to live your life right? Yeah… says the guy who’s walking around with his soiled underwear in his back pocket Free-Balling it, waiting for his oil change to be finished. This truly is a story about a Fart gone wrong…

So I walked into Walmart Service Center to request my oil change without any inkling of a need to take a Sh$@. I had just Finished my Dunkin Hot Coffee And began my walk around the Store to see what Special Buys May be out there. The walk was significant since I hadn’t really been very active over the past few days and eventually after about 30 minutes the little Stinkers started to creep out. Felt goooood… I was leaving silent but deadlies in the isles and watching people walk through them 🙂 it was really quite fun. I Got so close to an older lady in the Toy Isle that I could almost say I Farted ON her! But again these were Silent, you couldn’t hear them, they were just air. Ungodly, Stanky, Gross-Smelling Air that would make your Mother Disown you instantly upon your taking ownership.

And then it happened…

The feeling was like a Big Air Bubble at the Base of my Taint. I knew there was some risk associated with a sharp Squeeze since I was starting to get the chills up my spine which only happens when you’re brewing up a real good one. But since I had all these Farts happening I thought a 1/2 Squeeze wouldn’t hurt to test it. So I walked to a private isle with nobody around and gave it a go. It felt like a little “Pop” in my pants, but I knew it wasn’t good so I sorta sucked it back in and decided I needed to get to the nearest bathroom immediately! Could this be a HELP event? Maybe or Maybe Not but I needed to know. The pressure in my lower region was intense and my stomach just made eerie noises.. I Knew that if I hadn’t just Sharted in my pants , that I was in store for a whole lot worse soon….

I began making my way back towards the Layaway section as I knew there was a Bathroom back there and it probably wasn’t going to be too busy with the holidays being over. So I’m walking slow and stiff like a zombie and the pressure just keeps coming. I thought previously that I may be able to hold this till I got home so I could truly enjoy the occasion, but seconds later that Idea was so far out the window that it changed to me wondering if I could even make it 20 yards to the layaway toilets!! I was officially in a High Emergency Level Poop Situation and Nothing was going to stop this thing….. Nothing!

So I make it to the Layaway Toilets doing my impersonation of the Walking Dead the whole way , and luckily the bathroom was In service and seemed to have nobody in it. Thank God!! I had 2 Choices, the Handicapped Restroom or a Standard. I made the smart choice and went Handicapped since I wasn’t sure what kind of space I was going to need here. Well, I’m glad I chose the Handicapped toilet since I soon found out that the mini explosion that happened earlier was indeed a majorly wet Shart. The type that left remnants in my unders. The type that was beyond allowing me to finish out the day with these underwear, and the type that would certainly cause me to have to strip down prior to leaving this restroom. It was slow traffic in the bathroom so I took my time and had a Wondrous and Glorious Sh@$ that felt good despite having to Hover over the wretched toilet seat. All was good and after many wipes I began to strip down To lose these Unders. When Suddenly out of the clear blue sky?…..

A MAD rush for the Bathroom began. The door kept swinging open and more and more people were coming in. This was a Small restroom! There were 2 Urinals and 2 Stalls… that was it!! People are waiting to use the urinals and I’m freaking out now. I was like “What in the H@!!?” It was the kind of rush you’d see when the movie Theater lets out…. I’m like thank God nobody is going to need the Handicapped Bathroom! Sheesh!

And then it happened. I’m almost fully nude at this point trying to wipe the Squirts out of my underwear and at the bottom of the door I see the wheels of a wheelchair approaching! “Oh…dear….Lord…” everything got silent… I was frozen standing there literally with my pants down. And then he started jiggling on the door. I said “oh, I’m just in here I’ll be done in a minute“. The toilet keeps flushing since its Motion Activated and I’m flailing around like a wounded bird… I quickly roll up my dirty underwear put them in the back pocket of my jeans and begin to try and get my pants back on, dancing around on one leg. I had one leg of my jeans on and then suddenly I slipped and fell up against the door!!! The Handicapped Individual goes…”Oh my Gosh, are you Okay in there Man??” My face was so Red I could feel the warmth! So Embarrassed! Here I was in the Handicapped Toilet holding up a Truly Handicapped person, clearly I had Sh&$ my actual pants and now I was going to have to show the whole world that I was clearly NOT Handicapped. I muttered “I’m good!, be right out” in the Wimpiest Voice Ever…

I got my pants on and was praying that the guy would just go into the other bathroom so it wouldn’t look so bad for me when I walked out into this crowd of people. But he waited, and waited, so I did what I had to do. I pulled my arm out of the sleeve of my sweatshirt and hugged it to my body to make it appear like I was an amputee. I tied a little knot in the In the sleeve of my sweatshirt as I had seen some folks who were missing limbs do in the past. Pulled my hat down just above my eyes, and with the little pride I had left waltzed right out of the restroom. The gentleman who is in a wheelchair had no legs and when he met eyes with me there almost seem to be A moment of sympathy for my missing limb. Almost a bond forming as if we knew what each other was going through a little bit… he had a Military cap on that Read “Desert Storm Veteran” I gave a smile and said “All Set here sir! And Thank you for your Service“ . My hands were dirty so I had to at least wash the one of them that I had exposed, and even after the handicapped man went into the restroom I had to keep the lie going, so with my left hand only I began to wash my single hand. You could tell I had never done this before but no one was really paying attention to me anyway so I did my business and I left. Crisis avoided! I exited the bathroom at the perfect time popped my other arm out regaining my two limbs again and walked over to the service center to pick up my car. Home Free! I get to the checkout, show the gentleman my ticket, and he starts to ring me up. I go to grab my wallet and it’s NOT THERE…. I’m checking all my pockets and I’m just not finding it… Suddenly I realized “oh my precious God!“Did I drop my wallet in that handicap restroom?? I tell the clerk to hold on and turn around to run back to the restroom and there he is 10 feet in front of me the handicap gentleman with no legs holding my wallet with a look of disbelief in his eyes as he is now seeing me with both arms. I Walk towards him slowly And with a pathetic smile I say “hey thanks a million”. The handicapped person stares in my eyes, shakes his head, turns his wheelchair, and briskly wheels away. I don’t think I have ever felt such a low point in my life… I had just shit my pants, faked being handicapped, and then caused a handicapped person with no legs to have to somehow lean down and get my Wallet off of the floor and then chase me through Walmart to deliver it to me. This was an all new low point for me. I paid $47 for the oil change and drove home with my dirty underwear in my back pocket.

The End