We’re not in Kansas anymore Toto…
I remember that Summer Vividly.. Beach Vacation 2014 in the Outer Banks! Definitely a fun-filled family vacation but a very Long Drive in the Family Minivan. It was approximately 8 hours from Central PA to Nags Head OBX, and the drive with a family of 6 was nothing anyone looked forward to. The only thing worse than the Drive there… was the drive home. And that my friends is where our story begins..
We woke up extra early for the long drive. Packed all of our suitcases and bags the night before so we could pull out before first light. I remember how sad everyone was to say goodbye to our beach house and to our friends as we prepared for that 8 hour tour home, and that 8 hours was if we were lucky.. Typically when we leave super early in the morning it’s about avoiding traffic and enjoying an hour or two where the kids are still asleep in the car. And That was the plan! Just a Relaxing Day worth of Open Road… Aaaaah… No sweat.
So About an hour into the drive It’s time for a Coffee Refill, so I swoop into a Dunkin Donuts while the kids are all snug in the backseats. To Avoid waking them I spoke quietly and ordered for the wife & I so the kids wouldn’t suddenly realize what was going on and feel the need to order a full blown breakfast & treat themselves to a bathroom break… I Ordered a Large Hot Coffee w/ Cream & Carmel Flavoring with a shot of Espresso, along with a Bacon, Egg, & Cheese wakeup wrap for the road. I was successful in making the transaction without waking the kids and before you know it I’m back on the Highway to Heaven cruising at 75mph. At this point I’m thinking “This ride won’t be so bad.. It’s starting off great!”
After Pounding down 2 Coffees and a breakfast sandwich I was feeling mighty cozy. That feeling when you’re just content and relaxed in your environment. I had to be careful that I didn’t doze off since we had a lot of road to cover ahead. My wife was reading her book, Most of the Kids are still sleeping at this point and the ones who aren’t were just listening to their headphones. Jack Johnson’s playing softly in the background to block out the road noise, and at that moment I realized just how lucky I was. So Lucky to have a healthy family that can enjoy vacations and the company of one another on a long drive… With our kids getting older and soon leaving for college I knew that this was probably one of the last times we’d all be doing family vacations together like this.
The Relaxation, food, and hot coffee was starting to catch up with me now and Suddenly I started to have lower belly cramps. The cramps were not very severe at first and I had opportunities to pull over and use a restroom but I passed them up since I thought I could simply wait until lunch for a stop. Then like a Ton of Bricks my intestines dropped and the Cramps became much more severe, the kind that you hold your breath thinking that its going to help but it doesn’t. Pressure moved through my bowel swiftly and I knew that I was going to need a bathroom… FAST…. All of the family is still kind of relaxing my wife has dozed off giving me this feeling of being on my own for this situation. The Pressure has started to now build up towards my lower bowel and I’m getting the Urgency to Squeeze. I’m saying to myself “Next Stop, Next Stop, Next Stop…” I don’t see ANY Exits! I round a curve in the Road and my Worst Nightmare is ahead on the Horizon….
The Brake Lights were lit up like Christmas for what seemed to Be Miles up ahead… This Traffic was some of the worst I’d ever encountered on the ride home from OBX , and I was immediately afraid I’d be waiting TOO LONG for the Next Exit.. At First the Traffic was moving slowly and With Each Stop and Go my insides sloshed back and forth causing me to curl my toes and squeeze the steering wheel tighter. I couldn’t see an Exit in sight anywhere and started to think about potential options.. There certainly weren’t many… besides pulling off to the side of the road and taking a crap right in front of 8,000 people in their cars. I needed help! I reached over and tapped on Vanessa’s Shoulder… “Honey?”…. “Honey, I have a little problem”.. My wife woke up slowly Yawned and said “Where are we?” And at that point I could only respond with “we’re in major trouble!”.. I told her that I had to poop about 35 Miles ago and decided to wait it out. I told her that I have been trying to remain calm for nearly an hour and now It seems that I have to make a decision about what to do!
My Wife suddenly grew a sense of humor and began to tease me about it… Like I was joking around or something? Of course the Children began to wake up with her laughing…
The Children began to laugh at me too. She was poking fun asking me Questions like “Want to poop in your sneaker honey?” I had to block them out and realized I was going to be in this alone.
In the Far Distance I saw an Exit!!! It seemed to have lots of options for Gas Stations and Restaurants although I couldn’t make them out from where we were. I just maintained My Focus and decided that I would Make it to that Next Exit which seemed to be an Eternity away…. No smart-ass remark or poking fun was going to stop me. I was on a mission, a mission to Sh&$!
I tried everything to Hold it back… Breathing Techniques, Relaxing my lower extremities, Focusing on another part of my body, and Nothing, I mean NOTHING Was helping. This Monster was coming out of me. The Son of Sam himself was to be revealed in the Kmart Bathroom. I was being bombarded with Poop Jokes and Laughing from the car… Ha Ha Ha, lets make fun of Dad! I see Kmart Parking Lot in the Distance and blast through 2 Stop Signs in the Lot and I Speed right up to the door, forget a parking space…. I hand my wife the Keys and Bail out of the Car. I Take the Deepest Breath I can to Hold Everything Back and Begin my Walk towards the Store. My Legs were completely Numb and the sensation to poop was coming from my upper body. This was Mind over Matter folks, It was going to take everything I had to make it to a restroom.
I wasn’t thinking clearly… Unorthodox thoughts passed through my mind, like what if they tell me their bathroom is only for employee’s?? What would I do?…. What If the bathrooms are out of service? How can I make them understand what Is happening to me???
Like a Peg-Legged Pirate I Limp through the Automatic Doors and Spot a Service Desk immediately to the Right of the Entrance way… Perfect! Sweat pouring out of my face, Teeth Chattering, and a Turtle Head Poking out of my Rectum I ask – “Hi, Where are your Restrooms Please?” My Voice sounded like Pee Wee Herman on Sleeping Pills…
The Clerk Responded “Oh… They’re At the Far back corner of the Store by The Garden Section sir”
My Heart Sank…. Nausea came over me…. I whispered “Dear Lord Please Help Me… I don’t deserve your mercy but I’m begging you to help me this one time…. Please oh Please God Help me..”
Devastation came over me… There was NO WAY I was going to make it another 100 yards let alone 3 more steps to this bathroom. But, this was Mind over Matter! I HAD to do this, because there was no way in Hell I was shitting my pants on vacation.. I wasn’t going to be the laughing stock of the trip getting back into that minivan wearing women’s underwear and a cheap pair of Kmart Pants to make it home with… I was going to finish this vacation without crapping my pants!!!
My Trip thru the Store was surreal.. I felt as if everyone was looking at me. I could hear people laughing and suspected it was about me… I passed an old man who stared at me freakishly and made me feel like I didn’t belong here. If I make it to this bathroom and someone was in that stall…. I would physically murder them to get my ass on that seat! I’d rip them right off of that toilet and take their place because I NEEDED IT MORE!!! I’d put them down Without hesitation!.
Thank God it was open, in service, fairly clean, and empty! I burst through the door pulled down my pants and because I had no strength left I placed my Ass directly onto the filthy seat and looked up to Heavens…. At That Moment Every Single Solid & Liquid Exited my Body in a matter of Seconds… I couldn’t help but cry out “Aaaaaaaggggghhhh….” Tears escaped my eyes and Saliva dripped from my mouth as Everything that was Evil inside of me transferred from my rectum into that toilet. I shivered w/ goosebumps as more and more waste emptied from my body. The Bathroom was suddenly quiet and I could only hear the Dripping of a faucet and in the Distance and Phil Collins playing over the Radio “One More Night…. One More Night, cause I can’t wait forever..”
After 45 Minutes I sat up from the Toilet and was AMAZED at the Sight… This was perhaps the most Epic Shit I had EVER Taken… I was delighted to see that most of it was in Solid Form and both the Size & Girth of the Bowel Movement was almost inhuman.. It was worthy of a Photograph. So I made the Decision to Leave it without a Flush…. Someone else had to see this collection of art.
Walking out of the Store I thought to myself.. I wonder what will happen when someone comes across that Toilet… Will they think to themselves.. “That can’t be Human?” Or “How Many people went in this toilet without flushing?” As I reached the Exit of the Store I had a spring in my step and felt like I’d won the battle. Before Exiting I heard a voice over the loudspeaker say “Associate to the Mens Bathroom please… Mens Bathroom.” I cracked a Smile at the Service desk and waltzed right out that door…. The Trip home was never so lovely.
It was Kmart that saved my life, and my pride that day…
The Everyday Man Poop 